Returning (Wash)

[River Tam]

River Tam was sitting on the bridge of Serenity, it was a safe haven for her while they were on Osiris she could busy herself with work and no one would have to see or hear from her at all. She refused adamantly to leave the safety of Serenity leaving Mal without his reader but even so she wouldn't set foot on the core planet she was from not when her parents were living there not when that meant she could be found, attained, acquired, obtained, procured. River didn't want to be detected, dug up by people that she knew on Osiris and she didn't want to risk bumping into or chancing upon her parents on this planet, it was a sure fire way to go back to the academy. River found herself verging on a panic attack from thinking about the academy she found herself flashing back to it, needles going too her head inputting suggestions, changing her from a girl to a weapon. River had to force herself to stop and stay calm and all of that. She had to breath before Simon could find her mid panic attack since she knew he had also refused to leave the ship during this time because of the same reasoning he didn't want their parents in their lives anymore. River knew that she wasn't the same person that her parents wanted to find in her anymore she'd never be that girl again she was lost to them and she was going to stay lost to them for the rest of her life. River had changed in ways not only had she gone from being some doe eyed innocent fourteen year old girl to a similar looking seventeen year old girl she had gone from innocent to not so innocent the things that the academy had done to her changed her.

River pushed her hair out of her face needing to find something else to think about rather than the academy. She decided that she'd prod around in peoples heads, not usually allowed in Mals view and often times it couldn't be avoided but she tried to stay out of their heads as much as possible this was one of the few times she ever did it purposely to people and she always chose those who wouldn't mind it would be the least bothersome to like Kaylee or Inara but today she was picking up on everything finding focusing in on a single person without a huge emotion harder to do than normal. And then she felt it a set of emotions she hadn't felt in a while strong enough to send her backwards with a slight gasp of shock. She heard it though she heard his thoughts clear as day clearly as if he were alive and they weren't coming from the inside of Serenity like somethings did this was outside and stronger this was something deeper than that it was I'm a leaf on the wind. River knew immediately who's thoughts they were and she wanted to scream to herself that she was losing it again except for then she realized Zoe saw him too.

River could feel Zoe's sense of curiosity when he caught her eye, and then her hesitation as she made her decision curiosity winning this battle. She could almost feel the gun in Zoe's hand as she cautiously and how she realized that the bundle she was seeing the bundle River knew was Wash was there. She could feel Zoe's frown and how she almost decided that she shouldn't stay but then she got Zoe's deciding thought on if she stayed and it was In a time of war, we would never have left a man behind. River let her mind stayed focused here letting herself watch how the scene unfolded since she could feel Zoe coming too in the realization that River had had with his thoughts that had scared her so deeply to the core she was still shaking zoned out watching seeing. Mouthing Zoe's words as she said them Wash. River processed through Zoe's train of thought watching her try to rationalize the situation turn it into something she knew how to work with.

River felt her thoughts jump into Wash's head as he panicked as information was trying to fit like a puzzle in his brain. She could feel him trying to fill the holes being alarmed by them. River felt herself trying to will herself to process them for him put them into his head fill the spaces yet she couldn't she could just feel what holes he had and just deal with the fact that they were there. She could see him flash through Serenity and other places she'd seen in his head but never in person people he knew that she'd never met but felt like she knew from watching him. She found a slight sense of relief when he remembered Zoe's name and the information he needed to know about her it processing at a speed she'd only seen in her own head. But then she felt him thinking he was in hell she tried to will him to stop begging him to stop thinking like that knowing that she couldn't do anything to change it. She soon found herself mouthing with him. Anyone who saw her on the ship would know that something was up and she probably needed to be in the infirmary and sedated but she didn't care she found herself mouthing Wash's words I'm dead... just so you know

River had to smile at the fact he hadn't lost his way of speaking about things always making it seem like duh it was obvious even when it wasn't obvious. His little humor sometimes helped her through her fits of rage and fear and all of those other things she felt. River felt Zoe's hand touch Wash's face slightly listening to her words. River watched how Zoe thought she was going insane Zoe didn't know insanity spend five minutes in River's head you'd know insanity it was a wonder she was even coherent as much as she was now with all the information River's head had to process daily just to survive. River felt Wash flinch he flinched she was still in his head. If he was dead how was she in his brain seeing what he was seeing feeling what he was feeling. River found herself confused and lost trying to do the math make it mathmatically possible and concievable that she was in his head. River wanted to scream she wanted to cry she wanted to do soemthing to get out of the two peoples heads she found herself in a tennis match with. She felt Zoe start to walk away willing her to turn around wasn't going to work she knew Wash was real.

River screamed she screamed for them to stop she screamed because she didn't know how to get out of this head. She was screaming and hearing it all the same feeling pain and confusion from both of them and how they were trying to reason through this. River was pretty sure anyone left on the ship could hear her screaming bloody murder she was certainly loud enough trying to work her way out of the heads of her friends. River kept screaming trying to get herself out of their heads watching them was scaring her Zoe knew by instinct that it was her Wash why wasn't she just complying to it like any normal person would. River heard the thunder and then heard them memories going through his head only partial ones and then she watched as he screamed in panic and confusion. River threw up from the torrent of emotions in her head she couldn't filter or block out she felt everything she always felt everyting. River was crying begging for a release from this praying in Chinese for a release from the pain from the thoughts from the noise. Anyone who saw her would know something was wrong with her but the way she was decyphering her was going to be the hard part.

River saw what Wash saw River saw him the man in the shadows, the man in the shadows scared her he seemed dark and cold and River felt the goose bumps go up her arm she could feel him she could feel Wash's panic as he pleaded desperately with his wife to go. River could hear the voice in Wash's head as clearly as he could and that scared her she was clawing at her own ears with her short finger nails trying to block the noise trying make her world silent again anything that would help her. As they go to the ship the sense of calm came back Serenity was safe but she couldn't deal right now she knew Wash would be coming up here which was now a mess his dinosaurs were on the floor from her fit. She finally was able to pull herself out of their heads when Inara entered the room and went about putting his dinosuars how they were in perfect order and position like nothing had ever touched them since he'd died. River sat there waiting for them wanting to confront Wash alone rather than where they could call her crazy where Simon could drug her.

River's sense of calm was damaged by the person that had calmed her in the first place. Screaming seemed like the best bet at the moment so she screamed. One of those screams that was meant to get people out of her head was meant to restore the silence she'd earned in her head but no Wash wasn't letting that happen today. The fever and the memories that were running through his head were far too much for the young reader who was by far one of the most dangerous people on the ship. She'd never hurt anyone here though they were her friends they were her family they were what ever she needed them to be. Rivers screaming echoed through the bridge but she wasn't going to let the others hear it Simon would want to fix it then. River didn't want Simon to fix it she wanted to be treated like any other normal person on Serenity. Although she'd long lost that right to be the person that Simon wanted her to be. She was young and pretty but she wasn't the same young and pretty girl that Simon wanted she was different darker out of her mind and lost. The genius girl the one that could still make Simon look like the idiot child was tucked away in there somewhere but she wasn't the same and she could sense that Wash wasn't the same either physically he was still Wash.

River touched the chair where he'd been sitting when he died they'd fixed it up and all of that River refused to sit in it though making Mal sit in the pilots seat even if she did most if not all of the work in the bridge. River was hit with the memory of wash's death. Wash was flying through the reavers calm as ever, Mal behind him freaking out about how Wash was flying "I'm a leaf on the wind watch how I soar" was Wash's mantra as he flew. The ride was bumpy and hard on all of the crew. Especially when they landed not a smooth landing in the least but they landed the crew was safe Serenity was a little worse for wear but still mostly in one piece. Wash was starting his mantra again "I'm a leaf on the wind watch how I..." the spike off of a reavers ship went through him Zoe was trying to get him up.

River yanked herself out of the memory, she hadn't actually ever wanted to see it outside of someones head because they always blocked off the most gruesome parts so River wouldn't have to see them. Her stringy dark hair was in her face at the moment and she wasn't moving she wasn't in the mood to move she wanted her memories to be hers again. She hated having memories that weren't hears she couldn't do it anymore.